Counseling
Understanding Grief
People often experience a sense of grief when they lose someone or something that has been important to them. This loss could be a friend or a loved one through separation, or divorce, or rejection, or death. It could be the loss of a pet, loss of a limb or of good health, loss of one’s youth. It could be a change in status, through demotion or promotion, for people moving forward and upward are also suffering losses of much that is familiar to them. It could be loss of a material possession such as a favorite article of clothing, or object of sentimental value, an old car, or the home one has grown up in. Also, it could be a loss of self-esteem, a loss of confidence, the loss of someone’s respect, or any number of other changes we undergo which actually involve the loss of something valued or something familiar.
All of us have experienced a loss of one type of another, and it is likely that we have also experienced one or more feelings that can be associated with such a loss. These feelings are sometimes referred to as signs of grief. They include feelings of hurt and sadness over the loss, anger, and resentment at having to give someone or something up, guilt and regret about not having done things differently, and fear and even panic over what life will be like without the lost person or object. In addition to these feelings, a person often experiences other symptoms. He or she may lose his or her appetite, find it difficult to get to sleep at night wake up a lot during the night, and have disturbing dreams. He or she may feel restless, find it hard to be still, and yet at the same time he or she may lack energy to go about everyday tasks. He or she may feel like completely withdrawing from people and activities, or he or she may tend to throw him or herself into frantic activity and surround him or herself with people in order to keep his or her
mind off his or her loss. In addition, he or she may experience such physical sensations as a feeling of tightness in his or her throat, choking with shortness of breath, a need of sighing, an empty feeling in his or her stomach, a lack of muscle power, and an intense distress sometimes described as tension or mental pain.
Every one of these feelings in a normal reaction to loss, and they only become abnormal if they continue indefinitely. How long such a grief reaction lasts depends upon how willing a person is to do his or her "grief work"--that is, to say "good-bye" to the missing person or object and to readjust to his or her changing environment. Largely what this takes is allowing yourself to experience all the feelings that are associated with the loss. There are ways you can help yourself to go through this process of letting go of what you’ve lost.
Ideally, you need some time to yourself during which you won’t be disturbed and during which you can put aside any expectations and obligations. And you need a place with either some privacy or the presence of a trusted friend, whichever you prefer. The uninterrupted privacy is to allow yourself the time and space to remember what it was like before your loss. If it’s a person you’ve lost, try to remember, as if he or she were still there, what it is that you appreciated about him or her. Try to remember the things you did and the ways to were together. If you feel like crying, that’s perfectly natural since crying is part of the healing. You may be afraid that If you let yourself cry, you might not be able to stop. This fear is natural, too, since grief is a really strong emotion, and it can seem overwhelming. The fact is that you’ll be able to stop crying whenever you decide to, and no matter how strong your hurt or your anger or your fear is, you are still in control.
So let yourself be sad, or happy, or whatever comes when you recall the things that you appreciated about your missing person. And then when you’re finished for the time with the appreciations, try to think of the resentments. This may be harder, since we don’t very easily let ourselves acknowledge when we are angry or resentful. But recalling those irritations and resentments that you felt with that person who is gone is just as important a part of saying goodbye as is remembering the pleasures and the appreciations. If some things come to mind that you wish you’d said to that person, take this opportunity to say them, or write them down or at least to acknowledge them, to a friend there with you, to yourself, or in your imagination to your missing person. It’s important to allow yourself to take care of unfinished business like this in order to really be able to finally let go of that person. After you’ve reviewed your appreciations and your resentments, just see what other memories and thoughts come to mind. If you begin to feel some regrets about the past or some fears about the future, pay attention to those feelings. You might even try to put words to your feelings, as if you might be telling the missing person about all of it. Again, if you fill like crying, go ahead, for bottling these feelings up could postpone your been able to get over your loss and learning to readjust to the absence of that person.
The readjustment will happen with time, but there are some things you can do to help it along. Part of readjusting is simply the forming of new habits, and this takes some effort. For instance, you may not feel like filling up the void left by your missing person with other people; you may feel that there can be no substitute for the relationship that you had with that person. This may initially be true, for it takes time to built relationships, and you may feel that you don’t have the energy following your loss to re-invest in new people. It is just at this time, however, that it is extremely important to put forth a little added effort not to shut out those people who can be resources for you during a difficult time. This may seem simply staying in touch with old friends, or it may mean re-contacting friends you haven’t seen in awhile, and just spending some time with them. People are usually very ready to offer support and companionship when you need it, and so you are allowing them the opportunity to strengthen your friendship as well as beginning to make your own transition to living without your absent person.
Just a final word on how to be a friend to someone who is grieving. Your undemanding presence is the greatest thing you have to offer--"undemanding" in the sense that you aren’t requiring your friend to do anything or be anything that he or she doesn’t want, and "your presence" in that you are just there as a reminder that he or she hasn’t been left completely alone, and as invitation to talk to someone, should he or she decide he or she wants to. Another gift you can provide is letting your friend know, in a way that gives him or her permission rather than pushes him, that is O.K. for him or her to feel hurt, angry, guilt, or afraid, and that it is O.K. for him or her to express those feelings around you, if he or she likes.
Note: This document is based on an audio tape script developed by the University of Texas, Austin. With their permission, it was revised and edited into its current form by the staff of the University of Florida Counseling Center.